Friday, May 29, 2009

Quick Question: Why Do I Miss My Abuser?

Q: I finally did it. I broke up with him. when do you finally stop missing him? I'm kind of there already, I just hate feeling like he was right about everything and that I really am "impossible to love" and that he was the only guy was the one who got away. Before we broke up, or when I was being "difficult" or acting like a "cunt" those were the things he'd say. So why do I miss him? My mom thinks I'm slow or retarded or something.

A: You miss him because what you had with him was your only representation of love. You yearn for those brief moments where you felt like he loved you. You remember that want it again. He held his respect for you over your head like a carrot in a horse race for many years and you never could get it. He fed off of you wanting his approval and for some reason you fed into desiring his approval and proving to yourself that you didn't really deserve it or would ever get it.

You miss him because you have not yet met his replacement. You will continue missing him until you do. It's okay to miss him. He is a part of your life, a part of your story. Allow yourself that. Cry if you want to. Masterbate to the memories if you want to. It's all okay because it's how you feel. Just don't go back to him unless you want to stop complaining about how he treats you. If you go back, that means you love it!

One day, you'll meet a much tighter dude and you'll laugh at being all messed up because of your ex. And no, it won't happen when you get your stuff together, you lose those last 10 lbs or you're 100% over your ex. There are no conditions on the delivery of your true love. It'll happen when you least expect it. I promise. 

Thanks for writing. Hope you feel better!


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